Sophie's Choice: How to hunt men

“There are no men around here.” That is a complaint I hear from rural single ladies quite often. It’s not that there has been a mass disappearance of men-folk via space aliens or something akin to a gender selective Roanoke Colony. Allow me to translate: If they are not already married, or barricaded in the closet, there are no single, desirable, disease free men to date in this area.” I know that is what that statement means because I used to be of the same mindset. Ah, me of narrow vision. I hear that lament from independent hardworking single women from one corner of the county to the other. It’s as if all the hot, eligible bachelors are like shy, skittish prairie dogs according to this mantra. They scatter like leaves in the wind when a woman comes close and return to the solace and shelter of their prospective man caves to avoid hot-blooded females because…NASCAR is on? I don’t know. I’m grasping at straws now. The point is, if you are female looking for prospective sensitive, loving, yet manly mates that aren’t signed up for the pen pal program through the penitentiary, here’s where they can be found: every where. Where? Here. Here? Yep, and there. Here, there and every where. If there was a beer boutique or bacon book club, that might make things easier. But as that irritatingly authentic phrase goes, “if you want something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done.” I feel the cliché closing in on me just writing it out, but you know clichés are only annoying because they are true. You could use online dating websites, but that’s kind of like those steaks they show on commercials for all you can eat buffets. They look succulent, juicy and tender, but when you sit down to them in reality, you’re thinking you all of a sudden have a vivid picture of what Upton Sinclair was talking about when he wrote The Jungle. Don’t get me wrong, if you are one of those fortunate enough to have found your ever-lasting love online then I offer you a sincere, “Hurrah!” But if someone is going to fib me about who they are and visa, versa, we should at least have the advantage of calling each other on it in person. The internet, kind of like that rumor about bringing the Mars bar back, can be one great big lie used to shatter people’s dreams if not used carefully. The funny thing about love is it has a tendency to sneak up and blindside you with a fistful of flowers and fuzzy feelings when you aren’t doggedly hunting it like a desperate bloodhound. The best pick up line ever used has been a sincere smile, followed by, “Hi, my name is (fill in blank).” I’ve had love grow from a salsa dance, at a firearms class and auditioning for a play. We spend way too much time wanting to fall in love instead of taking care of it when we finally wrangle it.